It's our money they're spending......

I'm going to start ranting now.

A report in today's Sunday Telegraph says (you know? I can hardly bring myself to say it)that a Government manual has been printed to offer advice on how to tell if someone is drunk.

It's true!

Our own money has been spent on printing a pile of books to tell us how to spot a drunk. I simply despair - but here's what our money has been spent on. The guide will teach our policemen how to spot drunks:

From looking out for staggering or "dishevelled" pub-goers to listening for "rambling conversation" and offensive language, the Home Office publication covers it all in minute detail. The guide is being issued to thousands of police officers who will work undercover in pubs and clubs this Christmas to catch bar staff who sell alcohol to inebriated customers.

The manual descibes ways to spot a drunk

Other tell-tale signs of drunkenness, according to the guide, include being "careless with money", exhibiting inappropriate sexual behaviour, offensive language, bumping into furniture, spilling drinks and drinking quickly or competitively, "i.e down in one". Drunkenness may also cause a loss of train of thought, difficulty in paying attention, "not understanding what is said", glassy eyes or lack of focus.

Now, I have to admit, I'd struggle to spot a drunk.

NOT!!!

The manual was condemned yesterday as "absolute nonsense" by the pub trade, which called on the Government to focus on the supermarkets that sell cheap alcohol.

A spokesman for the Licensed Victuallers' Association said: "It seems ridiculous that a trained police officer needs help in identifying someone who is drunk. If you apply all these guidelines in the average pub any customer could be classified as drunk."

The guide is being issued to 90 police teams across the country taking part in the pre-Christmas Responsible Sales of Alcohol Campaign, which started last night and will run until Christmas Eve.

Undercover officers will mingle in pubs and issue £80 fixed penalties to staff who ''knowingly" sell alcohol to someone who is drunk. Selling to a drunk customer is an offence under the Licensing Act but confusion over what defines ''drunk" has engulfed the pub trade - until now.

A spokesman for the Home Office confirmed that undercover police officers are being taught how to spot a drunkard. He said: ''As part of the Responsible Sales of Alcohol Campaign, plain clothes police officers have been issued guidelines on monitoring the sale of alcohol to intoxicated individuals. The Home Office does not make a secret of the guidelines it issues to police, which are aimed at protecting the public and staff working in licensed premises."

Well here at the Royal Oak, we believe that we could have saved the Home Office - and us, as taxpayers, a heap of money. So, here, for free, gratis, for nil payment is the Royal Oak's guide on how to spot a drunk. It has been produced following year's of careful study by Pip - so here we go:

You know when you're drunk when:

1. You lose an argument with the ashtray.
2. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling over.
3 The doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
4. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
5. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
6. You can focus better with one eye closed.
7. You fall off the floor...
8. Your kids are called Mild and Bitter.
9. Your idea of cutting back is less crisps
10. The whole pub says "Hi" when you come in...
11. The pub dog looks good.
12. Pip suddenly looks really hot.
13. You have trouble speaking clearly. "Hello" comes out as "Wanna s**g?"
14. Your mouth feels all furry because you've just drunk the ash tray.
15. You can't remember what sort of car you own.
16. You can't remember what a car looks like.
17. You just spent an hour chatting up the cigarette machine.
18. You consider urinating in the wash basin, rather than waiting in the queue.
19. You urinate in the wash basin rather than waiting in the queue.
20. You urinate in the queue.
21. You can't find your left hand.
22. You try to count to 10, in 11's
23. You drive the dog home
24. You get into the back seat by mistake and call the police thinking someone has stolen the steering wheel.
25. Declaring your undying love to your best friend seems like a really good idea.
26. You can't count to 1.
27. Marinne Faithful sounds good.
28. You start showing off your willy tricks.
29. You spend your last £5 (in ten pence pieces) on a taxi back to some girl's flat, only to relise when you get there that she didn't get into the taxi with you, and you now have to walk 5 miles home.
30. The toaster can be considered an acceptable substitute for the ashtray.
31. You whisper louder than most people shout.

Think that's it - unless, of course, you know any more ....

Believing what you read?

A couple of things have struck me about the newspapers recently.

First of all - you shouldn't believe all that you read in them.

And secondly - you should believe what you read in them.

Let me explain why.

First of all the BBC have dug up that old chestnut about the average meal cost in a British pub. And, of course, as soon as it does so, all the newspapers - looking for a bit of easy copy - go and repeat the damn thing. So, we have a story which is months old that suddenly gets front page news again. It all began when the Good Pub Guide (can't be that good, we're not in it!) reported that because of the drop in revenue caused by the smoking ban, pubs were hiking up the cost of their food to replace it. And as a result, the average cost of lunch in your local had now risen to £20.

So, we'll repeat what we've said before. We'd love you to spend £20 on your lunch here at the Oak. But there's no need - we've got a fantastic selection on our menu. All home cooked and prepared - and it'll set you back half that. So, don't believe what you read in the papers - it doesn't need to cost you anywhere need that!

But then we read another thing in the paper which got us thinking.

It all began with a report in The Times about a chap who had found a dinosaur fossil and after examination it turned out to be a completely new species of dinosaur. (Read the story here). The fossil was found not far from us and it really intrigued us.

Because it was found in exactly the same spot where Pip used to eat his lunch. And as the fossil was discovered in the 1890's - we just wondered whether it was actually something from Pip's lunch box from when he was a nipper.

We wonder .....

Coming up soon - our Christmas Party season begins next weekend. As it's the season of goodwill, we're switching the usual Open Mic date from the 1st Friday in the month to Tuesday 18th - and its a special acoustic version. Before then we have the second in our new Quiz season on Tuesday 11th. And, of course don't forget those Bluegrass Boys every Thursday.

Finally - some more of these funny beer commercials! Well, they made us giggle!

Christmas Parties - don't leave it too late!!

We've taken quite a few bookings already for Christmas Parties - our special Party Menu is proving really popular. Parties can be booked throughout the month of December and we're offering a special menu, with plenty of festive choices. We can also cater for special requests - such as special dietary requirements - and if you want any entertainment, we can probably also help.

If you have a small party and don't want to party alone, why not join our special Christmas Party Night on December 19th? We've a special menu, live music and other festive goodies - all for a set price of £22.50 a head.

If you'd like more information, call us on 01797 230494.

We had a superb night of live music last Friday with top Blues specialists Big Blue playing a vibrant couple of sets. This week, we've got the Bluegrass chaps in on Thursday - so why not pay us a visit?

Finally, according to the BBCI see that beer sales have slumped to their lowest level since the 1930's. I think I know the answer.

Pip's on a health kick!!

Have a good week.

Happy Birthday Carmen!!

It's Carmen's birthday this weekend - and this video thing has really caught on. Lots of birthday greetings have been received in the Global HQ of WebEd - and here's just a short selection.

This one's from John, a regular; we always thought he was from a different planet - and this proves it!!

And this one's from Pip:


Happy Birthday Carmen!!

And to celebrate we think they're re-opening the road outside the Oak - which is just in time for Big Blue who are playing live here tonight.

So, come and see Big Blue - and buy Carmen a drink for her birthday!

Top music on its way

A modest start to the Royal Oak Monthly Quiz last night with a small but high quality field of competitors. Astonishingly Pip was part of the winning team, although his contribution was questionable!

We've got a couple of cracking live music dates at the Oak this week, with the Bluegrass Boys in session on Thursday from 8.30; and on Friday, some terrific blues from The Big Blue.

Formed in 1993, the Big Blue is a hard gigging three-piece blues/rock band playing material written by band leader/ vocalist/ guitarist, Stuart Bligh, as well as some other names with whom you may be familiar such as Cream, Stevie Ray Vaughan, Eric Clapton, Jimi Hendrix and many more. The band have an impressive pedigree and have been featured on Radio 2's Paul Jones show amongst others. You can read more about the band on their website.


Hopefully we'll see you there?

Now, have we started something or what?

Following the beer commercial we posted a couple of days ago .... we've been passed a couple more. These are Australian ... so you've been warned!

Putting your brain matter to the test

A good week for the Oak this week. It's getting chillier and talk is of Christmas Parties and Christmas Lunches - so we're feeling all seasonal.

We had another great session from the Bluegrass Boys on Thursday night - they have built up a strong following and we've had some cracking nights over the last few weeks. If your idea of a relaxing night out is sitting round an open fire listening to some top musicians then why not pop in and see us? Make an even better night of it by having Dinner with us!

The chaps will be back with us next Thursday - but before then we have a Charity Chocolate Quiz on Tuesday night - starting at 8.30. Why not come along and join in? Teams of 4 to 6 are welcome, but you can also just turn up and we'll make teams up on the night.

Thought you might like this beer commercial we found whilst pottering around on the web - made us laugh anyway!

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Think before you eat!

We saw an interesting article on the web yesterday.

A foodie writer was suggesting that there are a number of questions you should ask of a restaurant before sitting down to eat.

Well, that's fine if you must be so intense – so we’ll put the questions to the Royal Oak test!

Here are the questions:

1. Does the restaurant use organic/local/fair trade produce?

The Oak always uses local and fresh produce.

2. Fast food is full of salt, sugar and fats – often twice the recommended daily amount.

We cook good food as quickly as we can – like we say "we don’t do Fast Food!"

3. Is the food cooked fresh or microwaved?

Our food is all cooked fresh and to order.

4. Are you looking for sparkling crystal and starched linen or plastic beakers and Formica tables?

The Oak doesn't do ‘pretentious! But we do believe in standards and quality – you’ll find our tables just about right!

5. Many burgers contain 48% chicken, water, beef fat, beef heart, rusk, starch, onion, salt, spices hydrolysed vegetable protein, etc – but no beef!

Then you’ve never eaten an Oak Burger!!

6. Is the restaurant child-friendly?

We welcome well-behaved children for lunches, snacks or early dinners.Pip eats children that do not behave!

7. Mark-up on wines can be as much as 400%.

All we can say is – not at the Oak!

8. Service charges are discretionary.

Absolutely - we couldn't agree more!

Our live music went down really well last week. First of all the Bluegrass boys had a great turnout for their weekly Thursday session. Then, on Friday, we had a great OPen Mic with Steve Stone, some regulars and some new faces too.

More live music this week with another sesion of Bluegrass on Thursday. And our next live band is on Friday week when we welcome Big Blue to the Oak. And on Tuesday we have the first of our Winter Chocolate Quizzes.

See you soon?

Don't forget that our Christmas Party menu is now available for December bookings.