It's our money they're spending......

I'm going to start ranting now.

A report in today's Sunday Telegraph says (you know? I can hardly bring myself to say it)that a Government manual has been printed to offer advice on how to tell if someone is drunk.

It's true!

Our own money has been spent on printing a pile of books to tell us how to spot a drunk. I simply despair - but here's what our money has been spent on. The guide will teach our policemen how to spot drunks:

From looking out for staggering or "dishevelled" pub-goers to listening for "rambling conversation" and offensive language, the Home Office publication covers it all in minute detail. The guide is being issued to thousands of police officers who will work undercover in pubs and clubs this Christmas to catch bar staff who sell alcohol to inebriated customers.

The manual descibes ways to spot a drunk

Other tell-tale signs of drunkenness, according to the guide, include being "careless with money", exhibiting inappropriate sexual behaviour, offensive language, bumping into furniture, spilling drinks and drinking quickly or competitively, "i.e down in one". Drunkenness may also cause a loss of train of thought, difficulty in paying attention, "not understanding what is said", glassy eyes or lack of focus.

Now, I have to admit, I'd struggle to spot a drunk.

NOT!!!

The manual was condemned yesterday as "absolute nonsense" by the pub trade, which called on the Government to focus on the supermarkets that sell cheap alcohol.

A spokesman for the Licensed Victuallers' Association said: "It seems ridiculous that a trained police officer needs help in identifying someone who is drunk. If you apply all these guidelines in the average pub any customer could be classified as drunk."

The guide is being issued to 90 police teams across the country taking part in the pre-Christmas Responsible Sales of Alcohol Campaign, which started last night and will run until Christmas Eve.

Undercover officers will mingle in pubs and issue £80 fixed penalties to staff who ''knowingly" sell alcohol to someone who is drunk. Selling to a drunk customer is an offence under the Licensing Act but confusion over what defines ''drunk" has engulfed the pub trade - until now.

A spokesman for the Home Office confirmed that undercover police officers are being taught how to spot a drunkard. He said: ''As part of the Responsible Sales of Alcohol Campaign, plain clothes police officers have been issued guidelines on monitoring the sale of alcohol to intoxicated individuals. The Home Office does not make a secret of the guidelines it issues to police, which are aimed at protecting the public and staff working in licensed premises."

Well here at the Royal Oak, we believe that we could have saved the Home Office - and us, as taxpayers, a heap of money. So, here, for free, gratis, for nil payment is the Royal Oak's guide on how to spot a drunk. It has been produced following year's of careful study by Pip - so here we go:

You know when you're drunk when:

1. You lose an argument with the ashtray.
2. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling over.
3 The doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
4. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
5. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
6. You can focus better with one eye closed.
7. You fall off the floor...
8. Your kids are called Mild and Bitter.
9. Your idea of cutting back is less crisps
10. The whole pub says "Hi" when you come in...
11. The pub dog looks good.
12. Pip suddenly looks really hot.
13. You have trouble speaking clearly. "Hello" comes out as "Wanna s**g?"
14. Your mouth feels all furry because you've just drunk the ash tray.
15. You can't remember what sort of car you own.
16. You can't remember what a car looks like.
17. You just spent an hour chatting up the cigarette machine.
18. You consider urinating in the wash basin, rather than waiting in the queue.
19. You urinate in the wash basin rather than waiting in the queue.
20. You urinate in the queue.
21. You can't find your left hand.
22. You try to count to 10, in 11's
23. You drive the dog home
24. You get into the back seat by mistake and call the police thinking someone has stolen the steering wheel.
25. Declaring your undying love to your best friend seems like a really good idea.
26. You can't count to 1.
27. Marinne Faithful sounds good.
28. You start showing off your willy tricks.
29. You spend your last £5 (in ten pence pieces) on a taxi back to some girl's flat, only to relise when you get there that she didn't get into the taxi with you, and you now have to walk 5 miles home.
30. The toaster can be considered an acceptable substitute for the ashtray.
31. You whisper louder than most people shout.

Think that's it - unless, of course, you know any more ....