It's our money they're spending......

I'm going to start ranting now.

A report in today's Sunday Telegraph says (you know? I can hardly bring myself to say it)that a Government manual has been printed to offer advice on how to tell if someone is drunk.

It's true!

Our own money has been spent on printing a pile of books to tell us how to spot a drunk. I simply despair - but here's what our money has been spent on. The guide will teach our policemen how to spot drunks:

From looking out for staggering or "dishevelled" pub-goers to listening for "rambling conversation" and offensive language, the Home Office publication covers it all in minute detail. The guide is being issued to thousands of police officers who will work undercover in pubs and clubs this Christmas to catch bar staff who sell alcohol to inebriated customers.

The manual descibes ways to spot a drunk

Other tell-tale signs of drunkenness, according to the guide, include being "careless with money", exhibiting inappropriate sexual behaviour, offensive language, bumping into furniture, spilling drinks and drinking quickly or competitively, "i.e down in one". Drunkenness may also cause a loss of train of thought, difficulty in paying attention, "not understanding what is said", glassy eyes or lack of focus.

Now, I have to admit, I'd struggle to spot a drunk.

NOT!!!

The manual was condemned yesterday as "absolute nonsense" by the pub trade, which called on the Government to focus on the supermarkets that sell cheap alcohol.

A spokesman for the Licensed Victuallers' Association said: "It seems ridiculous that a trained police officer needs help in identifying someone who is drunk. If you apply all these guidelines in the average pub any customer could be classified as drunk."

The guide is being issued to 90 police teams across the country taking part in the pre-Christmas Responsible Sales of Alcohol Campaign, which started last night and will run until Christmas Eve.

Undercover officers will mingle in pubs and issue £80 fixed penalties to staff who ''knowingly" sell alcohol to someone who is drunk. Selling to a drunk customer is an offence under the Licensing Act but confusion over what defines ''drunk" has engulfed the pub trade - until now.

A spokesman for the Home Office confirmed that undercover police officers are being taught how to spot a drunkard. He said: ''As part of the Responsible Sales of Alcohol Campaign, plain clothes police officers have been issued guidelines on monitoring the sale of alcohol to intoxicated individuals. The Home Office does not make a secret of the guidelines it issues to police, which are aimed at protecting the public and staff working in licensed premises."

Well here at the Royal Oak, we believe that we could have saved the Home Office - and us, as taxpayers, a heap of money. So, here, for free, gratis, for nil payment is the Royal Oak's guide on how to spot a drunk. It has been produced following year's of careful study by Pip - so here we go:

You know when you're drunk when:

1. You lose an argument with the ashtray.
2. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling over.
3 The doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
4. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
5. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
6. You can focus better with one eye closed.
7. You fall off the floor...
8. Your kids are called Mild and Bitter.
9. Your idea of cutting back is less crisps
10. The whole pub says "Hi" when you come in...
11. The pub dog looks good.
12. Pip suddenly looks really hot.
13. You have trouble speaking clearly. "Hello" comes out as "Wanna s**g?"
14. Your mouth feels all furry because you've just drunk the ash tray.
15. You can't remember what sort of car you own.
16. You can't remember what a car looks like.
17. You just spent an hour chatting up the cigarette machine.
18. You consider urinating in the wash basin, rather than waiting in the queue.
19. You urinate in the wash basin rather than waiting in the queue.
20. You urinate in the queue.
21. You can't find your left hand.
22. You try to count to 10, in 11's
23. You drive the dog home
24. You get into the back seat by mistake and call the police thinking someone has stolen the steering wheel.
25. Declaring your undying love to your best friend seems like a really good idea.
26. You can't count to 1.
27. Marinne Faithful sounds good.
28. You start showing off your willy tricks.
29. You spend your last £5 (in ten pence pieces) on a taxi back to some girl's flat, only to relise when you get there that she didn't get into the taxi with you, and you now have to walk 5 miles home.
30. The toaster can be considered an acceptable substitute for the ashtray.
31. You whisper louder than most people shout.

Think that's it - unless, of course, you know any more ....

OK - lets see what you think

We're thinking about this £10.50 pie business. How much would you pay for a steak and kidney pie?

Let us know by registering your vote in our Pie Poll - see left for further details.!

What planet do these people live on???

The 2008 Good Pub Food Guide has just been published and, according to these so-called experts, the price of pub food has soared to an average £20 for a two-course lunch and glass of wine.


What?

They also go on to say that unless pubs rein in their prices, they risk losing customers. According to them, the price of a pub main meal, such as steak and kidney pie, costs on average £10.50.
Steak and kidney pie - would you pay more than a tenner?

Well we don't know what planet these people live on - but one thing we can guarantee you - it doesn't need to cost anywhere near that at the Royal Oak. Our current menu boasts a range of home cooked food for well under a tenner - including home made, Cottage Pie, home made Lasagne plus some great fish and meat dishes.


Why not try us out?


Christmas party bookings are now starting to come in - so don't forget to get your places booked asap. And don't forget too that its Bluegrass Night again this Thursday. The music begins around 9 pm.


See you then?

A great Bank Holiday!

We enjoyed a good Bank Holiday Weekend with a great crowd of people visiting us over the three days - it was good to see old friends and some new ones enjoying our hospitality.

Mind you, you shouldn't wait for a holiday weekend to come and sample the Royal Oak!

Our latest Specials Menu is now available - chef Mark's Liver and Bacon and his Chicken with Bacon and Brie went down particularly well at the weekend. Click here to see our latest specials menu.

Live Music Update

Just announced!! The fantastic Twang Dragons will be appearing live at the Royal Oak on Friday October 5th. If you like your music “a little bit country, a little bit fire-breathin' serpintine grooving rocker” then you just can't afford to miss The Twang Dragons!

The band hail from Milwaukee - and for a taste of their music, check out one of their You Tube vids here?

Why not book early, make a night of it and enjoy a pre-gig meal?

Oh - and bring your Cowboy Hat and spurs, we'll be handing out a prize to the best western dress.

Before then we have Bluegrass this Thursday and next - plus next Friday sees another of our popular Open Mic Nights with regular compere Steve Stone.

The summer's on it's way!!

Forget the miserable summer we've had - it's all going to change this weekend. The weathermen are telling us that the miserable rain and wind is leaving us and that hot sunny climes will be with us just in time for the Bank Holiday weekend.

So, why not come on down to Rye this August Bank Holiday?

Rye is a lovely place to bring the family - with more culture than you can shake a stick at in this wonderful ancient town. Perched on a hill, overlooking the River Rother and Romney Marsh, Rye is the sort of place you thought existed only in your imagination. With enchanting cobbled streets, a medieval church and beautifully preserved historic houses from medieval, Tudor and Georgian times, Rye is almost suspended in time and has a uniquely unhurried atmosphere. Compact enough to discover the key places of interest over a week-end but with plenty of secret treasures to entice you to stay much longer and to return again.

And if it's traditional seaside activities you're looking for, then look no further than Camber Sands - with one of the finest beaches on the south coast.

And when you've built up an appetite, why not come along and visit the Royal Oak for a great Bank Holiday lunch, dinner or snack? Chef Mark is working on a brand new specials menu - and we'll bring you news of that right here very shortly.

If you're visiting Rye, you'll find the Royal Oak on the main A268 road a couple of miles outside the town. If you're coming to the town from London, the A21 or the M25, you'll probably be driving right past our front door - well don't drive past, call in!!

Before the weekend though, don't forget our popular Bluegrass Night with live music on Thursday night.